Ding Ding, The Sleep Wars Shall Commence!

I have a child that hates to sleep.

She's been this way since birth, but had me tricked for a while with easy bedtimes and nap times. I was stoked that, after so much struggle, she had finally chosen to be easier to get to sleep.

Really, she just did that so that when she stopped being so easy about it not long after, it would make the stalling and arguments all the worse. I swear, you would think that I never feed her by how "starving" she is come bedtime and that she has the bladder of an ant by her pleas for another potty break. I know that this is a tale as old as time for parents and kids, but I really just want Mr. Sandman to hook me up with the sleepy sprinkles so she could actually get to sleep sometime before Jimmy Fallon comes on. She seriously will just talk and sing to herself for hours on end and wake up like a beast out of "Where The Wild Things Are". 

Nap time is no better. She has told me countless times that she's just not tired but she'd be content to just play iPad while I take a nap. Does she really think that I would want my 3 year old to have the run of the house while I snooze away some of my exhaustion? That thought sends chills down my spine. Since the addition of preschool to my already insanely paced life, I have needed that nap more than a wino needs a bottle in a paper bag. And thus, a battle of the wills ensues that usually ends with me taking away said iPad for the rest of the day while she throws herself on the floor, sobbing. Which leaves us both exhausted and at odds. Surely there has to be a better way...

I remember when she was a baby and it took hours to get her to sleep. She rarely napped, and the seemingly 24/7 colic was wearing us both down, fully on the path to Crazytown with a fully packed bag. The pediatrician told me over and over again that it was just a phase and she would eventually stop the bedtime battles. This may be the longest phase in the history of the world. 

Maybe I just need to break out a copy of "Go The F*ck To Sleep" to remind me that I'm not the only one. Heck, even better, I'll pull up the YouTube video of Samuel L. Jackson reading it. That will always make me feel better.

Crazy Little Thing Called... Life

I'm looking at a week with minimal sleep. Can we say I'm going to be evil? Between my work schedule, dance class, and preschool, I'm going to only sleep for a few days this week. Eek! 

I truly worry for those in my path... :)

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished...

Do you ever feel, as a mother, like the world is unequal? Like you could bust your butt 24/7 and barely get a grunt as a thank you? That your days off work are not really days off?  I'm feeling like I have a heaping load of that right now. I think I can understand how someone spinning a dozen plates at a time must feel. 

Honestly, I think I'm pretty awesome. I juggle a full time job, single parenthood, fibromyalgia, a SO, and a house complete with two pets. I feel like crap a majority of the time but still manage to get the little one to preschool and dance, feed us all, go to work, and keep things held together. I'm sure there are people out there that are more worthy of the Bad Ass Award, but all in all, I do pretty well. My house may not be neat and tidy, but we are all alive and well at the end of the day.  What puzzles me is that after all of that, I get minimal help and no thank you's. Instead, I get told that I should do more. After work, the SO gets to chill and enjoy dinner and TV time. Whereas I am taking care of pets, doing laundry, doing dishes, then sleeping and starting over again. 

Here is my day off of work today. Got up with the little one, fed her breakfast, got the dog out, fed the pets. Drank some coffee, showered with the nugget, got dressed. Dog let out again. Left the house, picked up donuts, went to visit my mom in the rehab facility. Fed donuts to my mom, the little one, and mom's roommate, got them stocked up on Pepsi. Discharge planning meeting, took mom out for a little 'out of the old folk's home' time. Stopped by the store to get the roomie something. Went to Starbucks and painted all of our nails. Took mom back, got her off to physical therapy. Got her roomie tucked in, on the way to a doc appointment. Stopped for a snack for the little one, doc appointment. Ran to pharmacy to fill prescriptions, got home. Snack for the little one, dog out again. Started dinner, put dishes away. Did more dishes. Restarted dryer, ate dinner. More dishes, folded load of towels in the dryer, and put new load in. Fetched Popsicles for the kiddo and the boyfriend, dog out again. Changed kitty litter, got pjs for the small one. Put towels away, put up leftovers. Wiped counters, swept den. Restarted the dryer, got the little one ready for bed and in bed. Picked out outfit for preschool tomorrow. Replaced bulb in her nightlight, replaced batteries in the baby monitor. Dog out for what seems the millionth time, work email checked, dishes put away. That's just so far. And I don't do enough?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just feeling unappreciated, not actually being unappreciated. I have the feeling though, that I'm not quite wrong about this. I know that the mamas of the world likely feel the same. So, what is the solution? Striking? Sucking it up? I don't quite know. Any ideas?

Out of the Darkness!

We did a 5K walk yesterday for a cause that is near and dear to my heart. We did the Out of the Darkness walk to support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  We ended up having a very great day, tinged with sadness. The organizers did a terrific job! There was a pause at the halfway mark to write a message in sidewalk chalk in honor of our loved ones we have lost to suicide.  It was very moving. I was grateful to have my boyfriend, my best friend, and Isabella by my side. 

It was a wonderful day and I am grateful for the outpouring of love and support! 

Please consider supporting the AFSP, they truly do great work.  It would mean the world if we were able to prevent even one suicide.  Life is way too precious.

Help Wanted: Need Sanity, A Vacation. Apply Immediately!

Have you ever felt like you needed a break from life so bad that you were ten seconds away from going nut-ball crazy? The slightest thing automatically makes your jaw clench and you can feel your blood pressure skyrocketing? I have had a healthy dose of that these past few days.  It seems like kids are extra whiny, adults are super negative, and even the animals are in it to make you crazy.  I know logically that the only common denominator is me, so it stands to reason that I'm just in need if a break. Hardcore.

Case-in-point: this morning, little one woke up super early after I had a wicked  case of insomnia.  All was well, got my requisite coffee in, and then BAM! She self-destructed in a whiny, sobbing mess. I tried to get things sorted out, which only made her sob harder. I'm not sure why I had such a knack today for saying exactly the wrong thing, but I truly excelled at it.  Even a meek, "Why don't we talk about it?" prompted a flurry of tears and angst.  I'm pretty sure that I could have promised her a new pony and she would have just continued her spiral into terrible three-ness.  I have never felt so ill-equipped and inadequate in my whole life.  The whole mess made me so mad that I thought I was losing my mind. 

We wen to check out prospective preschools today, and I felt like a terrible mother. I had no questions for any of the teachers, felt super awkward around other parents who obviously had the whole thing figured out, and could only use the phrase, "Oh wow!" over and over ad nauseum.  They must have all thought that I had the IQ of the baby carrots that were served at snack time.  Mommy fail.

Got to the best friend's house and my issues with the day just melted away in the inflatable pool that we all were in.  The kids had a blast, minimal temper flares, and the adult besties were enjoying.  We took the girls out for coffee (milk for them!) and relaxed at my Mecca, the closest Starbucks.  Had to get a few things at the store that was a short walk, and everything started to fall apart.  My best friend's daughter needed a nap in the worst way and was understandably cranky.  My daughter spent the whole time moping because, "All she wanted was a best friend..."  Didn't think the whole thing out so had to walk back to the car lugging 35 lbs of pet food with two three year olds on Alert Level Red in 97 degree heat.  Brilliant. 

Hauled ass through awful traffic to get to ballet in time and the little one conked out in the backseat. Whew.  Score one for me.  Stopped at a gas station, dressed the little ballerina-to-be in her leotard and tights and got drinks to rehydrate.  Standing in line to pay, she casually looks up at me and says, "I don't want to go to ballet." Eek. This is the girl who watches ballet documentaries.  I was kind of struck dumb.  I hurriedly paid and got her in the car.  

We talked about it and she kept saying over and over that she was just tired of ballet. After 6 classes. Ok. I decided to let her skip this one and we'll try again next week.  We skipped ballet for a dinner date after fighting cross-town traffic. We had a wonderful time and all was well.  

Went home and took the dog out to get a few moments of peace. Literally ten seconds later, she comes barreling outside to escape pestering from the boyfriend.  Sigh.  Quick upstairs for a bath while I scrubbed the bathroom. New sitter coming together and all... 

Ready for bed and she wants the SO to come too.  Cool.  She wants a book while I run downstairs to get her forgotten allergy medicine (another mommy fail, eek!) and come upstairs one minute later to a sobbing toddler and an irritated boyfriend.  He refused to show her the pictures in the book, wanting her to use her imagination instead.  This prompted a meltdown.  I didn't understand denying a three year old the pictures in a picture book, so I took the book to continue.  He then stomped downstairs and I finished bedtime.  Not without pleas for food, another drink, another song, etcetera etcetera.  Made it out and was immediately called back.  Had to turn back on the Pillow Pet.  Alright.

Came downstairs to the silent treatment. Continued until he went to bed.  

Doesn't really seem today is my day.  I think I should just drown my sorrows in ice cream and new episodes of Greys Anatomy on Netflix.  Maybe I will magically get things right tomorrow.  Or maybe someone will take pity on the fact that my only break from mommyhood is work and my only break from work is mommyhood.  

Patron saint of single mothers, please listen up.  I need an affordable, reliable sitter; a weekend away, and a fab massage.  Please and thank you.

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

I guess the next subject to tackle should be the divorce.  Little by little, things started to get more and more strained and the hubby and I started to drift further and further apart. We had been angrier and angrier with each other in what should have been one of the best times of our lives, having Isabella. Her first Christmas entailed us going separately to his family's get-together and barely speaking. 

We had barely rang in the New Year when he asked for a divorce.  I had heard these same words from him too many times to count during our marriage and fought every time to keep things held together. There was no holding things together this time.  He stated that he was done and would be moving out in 4 days.  He slept in an air mattress in the dining room and I did nothing but take care of Isabella and cry my eyes out the whole time.  I guess I was shocked that this time, he really meant it and had obviously worked out a contingency plan.  I naively thought that now that we had Bella our lives were now complete and things would just heal themselves.  I was wrong.  

I know most people would just point fingers and play the blame game, but I won't. It really does take two.  There are a ton of things that I could have done better, and the same for him.  We were just ultimately not meant to be together, as sad as that was to me.  I could have been a better wife and he could have been a better husband but we would have still had the same result.  All I know is that I loved him the best way I knew how and it wasn't enough.  It's no ones fault, and I certainly don't regret a thing.  We had a beautiful, amazing daughter together and there were great times too. We just were never meant to be.

I'm not saying that there was no anger on either side.  We both set out to wound each other in the best ways we knew how and it was cruel and pointless.  Eventually we got over that part and became able to see each other as people again. We were even lucky enough to become pretty good friends.  Not everyone can say that.  I'm so happy for that.  

I filed so he wouldn't have to and our divorce was final May 7, 2011.  Happy early 30th birthday to me (insert heavy sarcasm here)! 

I was honestly afraid to do the dating thing but I eventually jumped back in and met some interesting people. Some were  short lived and some stuck around a little longer. I obviously survived post-divorce dating! 

The ex-hubby and I did give it another go, but it just didn't work out.  That ending was not quite as traumatic as the first and we stayed on good terms after.  I am happy that we tried again. At least we knew that it just wasn't meant to be.  

That's all for now folks, stay tuned for the next installment!